I started life just like many folks born in the USA . I was never in need for any basics to live. I had a home, loving family and I never went hungry for food. As a college student I “experimented” with some drugs in the 1970s. Everyone was or so I thought. Alcohol went hand in hand with “growing-up”. The legal drinking age varied from 18 years old to 21 years old so I didn't think twice about celebrating 3 times coming of age.

Fast forward 10-15 years of marriage, children, career changes, divorce etc…

What started as legitimate prescription use for a chronic pain situation developed somehow into a full blown addiction..? I was in total denial of course which I came to know later was a symptom of this truly cunning disease. As a pharmacist I knew I just couldn't be addicted I was taking the medications as prescribed, well sort of? As the insomnia crept in a began with 1 drink to help me sleep and over a short time 1 drink became 1 quart or liter. I still was okay I could stop for days, weeks and even a year. But the disease was patient and waited for the next time and an exponential need to use more of whatever was there. Mostly it was hydrocodone/apap but I did try different substances to try and maintain my life. By this time I was lying to myself, my family, my friends and all I knew. I was a total sham and the guilt began.

The viscous circle had begun. Alcohol to sleep; hydrocodone/apap to work; followed by the insomnia due to a restless soul filled with guilt; and then once again the drink to sleep.

By now I knew inside I needed help but I had no idea where to get it. How could a pharmacist be an addict/alcoholic? I must be the only 1 and nobody would ever understand. These questions consumed my days and kept me in fear. I was afraid to get caught, afraid to work, afraid to report myself. Needless to say at this point I was no longer sleeping I was passing out. Then it happened I walked into work one day and was fired for theft of a controlled substance. I had been caught. The fear was over when someone else saw what I was and dealt with it accordingly. No second chances at this pharmacy. But a manager did give me some encouragement “you are a great pharmacist go and get help”

Well that's what I did I called a friend and got the phone number for HPSP and for the Minnesota Pharmacist Recovery Network (PRN). I walked into my first PRN meeting less than 1 week after being fired and I was given the best welcome and support of my life. They people are just like me! I was in the accepting environment of a loving family. That is the day I could hold my head up again and start to recover from this terrible deadly disease. I belonged! Once again to a respected community of professionals.

- An Anonymous Female Pharmacist

A Recovering Pharmacist's Story

I didn’t set out to be an alcoholic as I started my professional training and career, but as the years went by, I became one. My goals as I entered pharmacy school were to complete my degree, become registered and own three drugstores before my fortieth birthday. I attained the first two on time, but my life was to have another script for the balance of my career. While in college, I learned an extra skill that was to alter my professional and personal life. The seeds of the disease were planted by me during my second year of school. I found that beer and later, martinis, could change the way I handled my personal life. Of course, I only drank on weekends and special occasions. I thought it caused no problems with my schooling as I did graduate on time. In later life, when I examined my transcript, I found that a very high GPA had taken a discernible negative slope from the second year on. I had remembered it as getting by and getting through so I could be registered. Coping and having fun was what college was all about, wasn’t it?

I became registered, served in the Army, returned to practice in my home state, and started to gain a good professional reputation in the early years. I worked long hours; became active in all the local, state national associations; started a family and home-ownership. I could and would drink with the best of them, besides, I deserved it. The good life of the profession was really paying off. However, the seed of alcoholism was growing within me and I was blithely unaware of its affect on me and my family.

When the dark end of the progressive nature of the disease appeared, it by the intervention of my wife and friends that saved my life. I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous by the route of Al-Anon. My son had been identified as chemically dependent and the family was in a program that paralleled his treatment. I was commended to treatment also. My work-family had no clue that I had a problem, so my announcement to them was a surprise. As I later learned that the job is the last to go.
I was one of those high-functioning professionals that fool everybody. Because of caring and sensitive Al-Anon, I was to be spared much personal agony and professional problems. I completed treatment, aftercare and personal counseling that the professionals in the field had insisted on./ My surrender to a program of recovery came during treatment, but it took a lot of persistent caring for me to stay the distance. I was lucky that I stayed clean and sober long enough for the miracle to happen. The ability to stay away from alcohol and all other mood-altering substances was due to the suggestions of Alcoholics Anonymous. The taught me how to live a life. They gave me love, unconditionally, when I didn’t love myself. They shred their experience strength and hope so that I could face life on life’s terms. They showed me how to live. Live alife that was full.

As my personal physical and mental health improved, I found that my spiritual health was not keeping pace. I was not completely at ease in my professional image. Something was missing. I had returned to the place of my employment and job that I had before treatment. I was accepted by my co-workers, boss and patients, but something was missing. I worked the AA program thoroughly and I felt better than I ever remember since I was a teenager. Then it dawned on me. If I was to grow in a spiritual way, I needed to address my professional shame. I needed to share these deep feelings with another pharmacist. I came to this point five years sober and had no idea what to do about it, I had to find another recovering pharmacist to talk about this, but no one knew of one.
My prayers were answered when a board member asked a counselor if she knew of a recovering pharmacist who could help the State Pharmacists Association form a committee. The Board was seeing an increasing number of pharmacists being called before them. Through that committee and the program that followed, I found the pharmacist(s) that I needed to aid my spiritual growth. Soon there were many pharmacists and we all grew with each other. At that same time, the APhA acknowledged that there were pharmacists such as we. Other states were starting programs and were gathering each June at the University of Utah to network; and learn what could be done for the pharmacist who was still suffering from the disease that I had also. The PRN (Pharmacist Recovery Network) started to take form.

My recovery continues because I have found that service to others is my best assurance that I will not have to suffer through a relapse. I have come to believe that my alcoholism is permanent, progressive, predictable. But if I continue to pass on what I have been given, a reprise from the terminal nature of active usage, I will be protected from the need to take that next drink. For that I am grateful on a daily basis.

- Anonymous Pharmacist